Preach It!

No one can tell a woman what is best for her and her baby ... waterbirth, homebirth, hospital birth, doctor, midwife, Unassisted Childbirth (UC) or cesarean surgery ... it is for her and her baby to know. The best we can do is support her to access, trust, and know her own inner wisdom and communicate with the Being within her - the One whose birth it is through her womb and the man. - Janel Mirendah, Attachment/Birth trauma therapist, Filmmaker of The Other Side of the Glass.

Watch It! (The Trailer)

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Watch Your Language and End Male Violence

In order to change the climate of birth women need to get clear on some things about the baby; and, it needs to be reflected in the language so that women and all people get it. If we truly want to end violence against women we need to end violence against baby boys.

While it is the woman's - the mother's experience of giving birth - and this is a mighty thing, birth is the baby's birth. Being born is a monumental, defining experience for a human being. Baby experiences everything. The mother experienced her own birth; and, her experience will contribute to her experience of birthing her baby. A woman is on some level re-birthing herself when she births her baby. A "mother is also being born."

Men/fathers do not have this opportunity to "heal through birth" of their child, nor to be "birthed as a father" regardless of where birth and who the caregiver is. The role and needs of men are in need of serious consideration. Men don't get "rebirthed" through their experiences. Their "stuff" is just "out there".. unspoken and unseen, and unacknowledged. Aren't men good at "stuffing feelings? Isn't that a main complaint by women in relationship with men? This is the result, I implore you to consider, of never being acknowledged as a feeling, sentient being from the womb forward.

How long has this anger at women been going on? A long time. This inability of men to bring forth life and to be healed by it, and to be discounted for providing the seed of life, well, it must be a source of deep anger. It must be why the men in the Church and in Medicine joined forces to conquer nature, via women's bodies in the 14th and 15th centuries. The war is deeply entrenched now.

Now, in 2013, women's mantra is, "Its MY body!!" While women fight for their body integrity rights daily, and in birth, the average women, even midwives and doulas, do not use proper language to support the autonomy and body integrity of the woman .. as a baby girl, certainly not for the baby boy. The understanding of biology and neuroscience of the primal period is completely lost on the majority of people, especially and ironically, the medical birth caregivers.  WHO the baby is  - at least physiologically - in the womb is a fascination and amazing study in the field of "fetal programming." However, this profound body of recent verification of the early primal human being, and the understanding of the functioning of the nervous system/brain is totally forgotten by the researcher's obstetric colleagues during labor and birth. Or ignored, because they can, because it is lucrative, and importantly, because it creates an unconscious, collective agenda of disempowering human beings.

"If we hope to create a non-violent world where respect and kindness replace fear and hatred, we must begin with how we treat each other at the beginning of life. For that is where our deepest patterns are set. From these roots grow fear and alienation ~ or love and trust." - Suzanne Arms

We know this!! When we reeeeeeally know this, we stop harming because we know WHO the baby really its. We've been quoting it for as long as I've been in this field specifically looking at the roots of violence via birth. Thirteen years. And violence against women, at birth, is ever increasing. This means the violation of the baby, in the most foundational time is increasing and wiring humanity for fear and alienation.  Change starts with our thinking and our language, and then new action based on that.

Our current language that focuses only on mother is symptomatic and the feminine consciousness is where we can begin to change violence - violence against women and violence of boys and girls. Honestly, when I look around and I hear the stories, all I see, is profound wounding of the masculine and desperate, dire acting out, reaching out to the Feminine to heal. From the time I was in a violent relationship, and before that, ironically, where I finally convinced the board of directors at the violence shelter where I was on the board that abusers are abused and I developed a program for men ...  all I see in the angry men is deep pain from profound wounding. 
Violence is a result of boundary violations of the powerless. Baby boys and baby girls are powerless. Birth is where we need to go to address the roots of violence. We can start by honoring who the gestating, laboring, birthing, and newborn baby really is. We can start by adjusting our language to reflect this.  The waters and the membrane are the baby's tissues. The cord and placenta are the baby's tissues. These are the baby's body. The gestating, laboring, and birthing baby's body tissues - BOUNDARIES - need to be respected.

When the WOMAN only sees herself and not her baby, she is violating a sacred, critical boundary that has huge ramifications for humanity. Monsanto is a result of this. It's that big. And, it's that simple and yet so damaging. "My water broke". "They broke my water, cut my cord, and I encapsulated my placenta, I healed me with the VBAC, etc, etc, etc" ... it's all about me, the woman, me, me, me. It all IMPRINTS in very early self a DISCONNECT between mother and baby.  Men are saying, "Heeeelll no, it ain't just about you." And, based on his early wiring of being violated, separated, wounded -- most likely by a lot of women from his labor through circumcision, he is trying to regain is power. And, we call it all Love.

The physical, emotional and spiritual job of all us as humans beings is to differentiate ourselves from the woman who birthed us, while maintaining this most defining and Divine connection in human existence. It's a lifelong job and it is damn hard when we experienced violence and no one acknowledges it. And, it all shifts big time when the women get who the baby really is.

When the woman does not get who SHE was as a baby and who her baby really is, and I mean, deeply get and honor this, she is creating an imprint of boundary violating and she is disregarding her baby's personhood. She is programming her baby to feel as she has felt because our culture has long ignored this in the violation of birth and boundaries of women. Her waters, her bag, her cord, her placenta. We can and do deeply love our babies, I am not saying that, but who reading this does not have the deep, deep desire for his or her mother "to just get me?" "Just see me." "Just acknowledge me?"

This discussion is very significant to our extreme issues with boundary violations in relationships, with passive-aggressive communication and behavior the norm. It is critical in the discussion on the never-ending, but worsening violence against women and girls. The old psychological theory of the man acting out his relationship with his mother is well known, even if discarded by the theorists and psychologists (99.9% who do not "count" their conception through early infancy as important). This understanding of the needs of gestating, laboring, birthing and newborn baby to be seen, felt, heard, acknowledged and boundaries respected is critical, big stuff.

So, the woman is able to reclaim something for herself in birth, but in doing so without regard for the baby, the mother is doing some "bad" programming when she disregards her baby's physiological body boundaries. Both the girl and boy child are effected when the mother does not acknowledge the baby's body, but the boy who grows up to be a man has no way as a man to reclaim himself through birth, "to heal himself" as is the common mantra today. Multiply this wounding if the mother chooses to circumcise her son's penis with no regard for how his body is HIS, and the foreskin is HIS.

As a society we need to STOP THE HARMING. One of the things women and caregivers must do is GET WHO THE BABY IS and stop violating the boundaries of women and babies in most of their medicalized care. WE, non-medical caregivers and adults can begin to use language that honors the physiological boundaries of the baby. This is the precursor to great skills as caregivers and as parents, and to healing after being violated in the medical system. If the mother and father are speaking to the baby, "We know it is your cord and placenta and we are fighting for your right to have your blood" or if the mother communicates WITH the baby about what is happening when the choice is made for her, or she feels it's necessary, they mediate the impact. This is a very valuable mindset, understanding, and skill for mothers and fathers to help their child throughout life -- to deal with the boundary violations done to them "by the system" as they came into the world. It requires that they know their own baby woundings.

As a society we need to HELP THOSE WHO'VE BEEN HARMED TO HEAL. When an adult gets clear on what happened to me, my membranes, my waters, my cord, and my placenta, they can "be with" their baby's emotional states.

The claiming of one's body as a baby, as an adult, gives one the ability to differentiate one's own baby emotions from their new baby's. This allows the mother and father to understand their newborn's emotional state separate from their own issues. Otherwise, the adult, the mother and father, often struggle with baby's, cries, for example, and unresolved it effects them throughout life. This is particularly true for the man, the father. He has not had the direct connection with baby and his early self is so wounded. It pokes big time at that big festering boil of stuffed emotions. It is very critical for men to heal their early wounds and learn these skills.

This is where the discussion of violence against women and girls and children by men needs to go ... People need to embrace their own sweet little baby's experience and claim, process, and own their own baby's story. From here, one can rewire those early imprints. So, the title is simplistic, but the job is huge. The wherewithal to heal one's own self requires a deep desire to not be in the pain, and to see that pain is inevitable but misery is optional.  It requires the deep desire to find that inner connection -- to the Mother and it is doable. 

We have to heal ourselves and to stop the harming.

No comments:

Buy It!

Part One: The Other Side of the Glass: a Birth Film for and About Men officially released in digital download format on June 2, 2013. Go to www.TheOtherSideoftheGlass.com to purchase a digital download.

Men have been marginalized in birth for a long time. The old joke is that a man was sent off to boil water to keep him busy. I believe they were making the environment safe. Birth moved to hospitals and for forty years women were separated from their partners who was left to wait in smoke filled waiting room. Finally, he would see his baby from "the other side of the glass." Now a man can go in the birthing room and even get to hold his partner's hand during surgery. But they are still marginalized and powerless, according to the fathers I interviewed around the country.

Historically, birth has been defined by the medical establishment. The midwifery and natural birth movement now advocate for need "to educate and prepare men to protect their wife and baby" in medical environment. Seems logical ... if we process with the same illogic that got us here.

Through the voices of men - and doctors and midwives - men share heart-touching stories about how this is not workin' out. A man is also very likely to be disempowered and prevented from connecting with their newborn baby in the first minutes of life.

Now is the time for men to take back birth.

The film is about restoring our families, society, and world through birthing wanted, loved, protected, and nurtured males (and females, of course). It's about empowering males to support the females to birth humanity safely, lovingly, and consciously.

Donors, check your emails or email me at theothersideoftheglassfilm@gmail.com for info to download. Release on DVD is not planned at this date.

FREE online! watch Chapters 1, 2, 3, and 10 at www.vimeo.com/75767434

"Doctor's Voices" - Stuart Fischbein, MD - Part 1

Doctor's Voices - Michael Odent, MD

Human Rights Violations

Resources - Healing Birth Trauma

"The Other Side of the Glass" has the potential to open up feelings that have been denied and ignored for a very long time. How to heal the trauma of birth at any age will be addressed in the film. Meanwhile, these are pioneers in the field.

Raymond Castellino and Mary Jackson - www.BEBA.org

David Chamberlain, Ph.D. - www.BEPE.info

Judith Cohen - www.judithleecohen.com

Myrna Martin - www.MyrnaMartin.net

Karen Melton - www.HealYourEarlyImprints.com

Wendy McCord, Ph.D. - www.WendyMcCord.com

Wendy McCarty, Ph.D. - www.WondrousBeginnings.com

And, many, many more all over the world at www.BirthPsychology.com
In both relationships and life trust begets trust.
Generosity begets generosity.
Love begets love.
Be the spark, especially when it's dark.

--Note from the Universe, www.tut.com

"Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so children have very little time with their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of the peace of the world." - Mother Theresa